Do we give ourselves time to digest our experience before transitioning to the next? How animals prioritize their instincts, needs, wants and physiology.
The other day I was sitting on the couch in my living room and I heard a loud thunk sound. I didn’t see what happened but I assumed the sound was a bird hitting one of our windows. Unfortunately and sadly, it is a sound I have heard before. Sure enough, I looked out the window and noticed the bird (alive thankfully) sitting on the railing of our patio.
At first, I noticed the bird was not moving too much and it looked a bit stunned or frozen. Makes sense right? The bird unexpectedly (I assume) was flying along doing its thing and bang there is a window! I am sure the bird was shocked and possibly even hurt.
As I was taking all of this in, the bird slowly began to turn its head. Slightly to the left and then slightly to the right. It did this a few times then shuddered for a second or two. After the shudder it began to look around and take in a little bit more of its environment looking below the railing and up toward the roof of the deck. In somatic embodiment work we would call this orienting. As I watched this, I was totally amazed at everything the bird was doing because this is the stuff I have learned about through working with a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, through studying and exploring somatic work and through Peter Levine’s book, Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. After the bird took a few minutes to be still, shudder and orient itself to what just happened and the environment it flew off, seemingly unscathed.
I was in awe! It is fascinating and so inspiring to watch animals or birds in nature completely honouring their physiology, needs and their felt experiences. And it also makes me wonder about the lived experiences or the missing experiences of those of us who don’t recognize or don’t honour their physiological needs, their desires or their wants in any given moment. I also felt curious and a bit sad about those of us who were not taught to take a moment to notice and honour where we are at and what we need and to digest what just happened either on our own or with the support of someone who is resourced and regulated themselves.
I’ll share with you a recent example where my 6 year old was at school or daycare and she hurt herself while playing. She wasn’t seriously injured but she came home and shared that it really hurt. I validated that, hugged her and let her know I was sorry that had happened to her. As I was holding her I asked her what she did in the moment. She said she got back up and started playing. I was surprised because from what she shared it sounded like she was quite hurt. So I asked her if she cried? She said no that she forced herself not to because she didn’t want to feel embarrassed crying in front of others.
And I was a bit surprised because both my husband and I spend a lot of time holding space for our kids' emotions. We’re consistently reminding and even showing them it’s okay to be sad, angry, hurt or afraid. It's not okay to hurt others in reaction to our emotions but it's definitely okay to feel them. We remind them regularly that it’s okay to feel, to express what you’re feeling, it will pass and you aren’t alone. We’re here with you in it. All of that encouragement, validation and holding from us and yet she still represses her emotions?! There was a part of me that was surprised by this and was kind of judging it. But the more I reflected on it I wondered was she really repressing her emotion? Or was she recognizing that she feels more safe to acknowledge and express it with parents that will be predictable in how they support and respond?
At first I questioned her response and our intention as parents, but then I also considered how I would respond in a similar situation. Would I express emotions and pain freely in front of others not knowing how they would respond? I am not so sure that I would. I, like my daughter, would likely discern how much I express now and how much I express later with people that I trust can hold and honour what’s there for me. And to be clear, I don’t think we, as parents, or my daughter did anything wrong. My brain is just wired to see this stuff in its layers and complexity. And I find it truly fascinating how animals or birds in the wild just do what they need to in order to support their physiology and survival.
Another example of this was a run-in I had with a donkey recently. I take my dogs to a farm nearby to get groomed by the kindest woman. She is lovely and so is the lady that owns that farm. When I take the dogs for grooming there are normally two horses in the pasture next to the barn where the dogs get groomed. And as I pulled into the yard recently I could hear a donkey hee hawwing so loudly and hilariously! I was so surprised and delighted. I love and spend quite a bit of time with a herd of donkeys but they are so quiet and peaceful that I am not sure I have ever heard them hee haw! And this donkey was just going to town greeting me and wanting me to come over to the fence to give it some attention so of course I did!
As I went over to meet Elmer (the donkey), the owner of the farm shared how much this donkey loves people. His excited hee hawwing showed me that and I felt such joy being there connecting with him and the farm owner. At that moment I thought, I have to pick my little daughter up from daycare before I come back to get the dogs because she will die of joy, excitement and adoration pulling into the yard and hearing this donkey excitedly hee hawwing.
So, later that afternoon I pick my daughter up and we come back to the farm and Elmer is nowhere in sight. We get out of the car, walk over to the fence and notice the horse but not Elmer. As we are looking around the pasture I spot Elmer’s large, soft and absolutely adorable ears moving backwards with affection as he noticed us. But he remained lying down in the field even though he loves to connect with people and even though he was sooooo excited to see me a few hours prior. Elmer prioritized his need for rest over my daughter and I’s desire for connection. And for someone who studies this work and who is healing from a lengthy history of not recognizing or not having the capacity to honour my needs, desires or wants I was so impressed by Elmer. In that moment, he knew what his body needed and he felt safe enough to honour it. It was a teaching moment for me and my daughter. In that space, in that moment, it was safe for Elmer to give himself what he needed and so he did.
When we acknowledge another human or animal honouring their needs or desires or fully expressing themselves it may bring up shame in our system. Why can’t I do that? What is wrong with me that I can’t recognize what I want or what I need? Why can I recognize what I need but not express my needs? What I will say about this shame and judgment is this. If we lived in a world and were surrounded by other individuals who expressed themselves fully and had no problem with honouring their needs and desires by themselves and others, we would have more capacity in this area. If we grew up with caregivers that helped us identify and hold space for our emotions, feelings, needs and desire and with caregivers who met our needs and desires with respect, attunement, connection and love then we would have more capacity in this area. Sometimes we are not taught the skills we need and we just need more time on task exploring, being with and identifying our emotions, needs and wants on our own and with those who have the capacity to hold a really encouraging and compassionate space for this learning!
Invitation for further reflection and exploration
Are there times during your day where you can pause, take a breath, acknowledge the end of one experience and the transition to another? Are there times in your day that this is easier or harder to do?
Are there times in your day where you can notice emotions, feelings, thoughts or sensations coming up? Can you give them a moment of your presence or plan a time on your own or with support to come back to what was rising?
Are there parts of you that resist, are uncomfortable with, scared of or simply don’t want to explore #1 or #2? Can you curiously get to know those parts of you a little bit and find out what they are concerned about? No need to judge or change, just an invitation to explore.
Are there spaces and moments where you can recognize your needs, wants and desires and where you have the capacity to express, give yourself or ask for whatever you need or desire? Are there people you can do this easily with and others where it’s not an option or it’s much harder?
Are there spaces where this is harder for you, not an option right now or less available? As you reflect, is there space in your system for compassion for yourself around where you or parts of you are at?
As you learn, reflect and explore, be gentle with yourself and seek support when you need or desire support!
Warmly,
Lyndsay