Why I Stepped Back From My Coaching Business for Over a Year
It’s been well over a year since I’ve connected with clients over Zoom or in person. It's been over a year since I have sent emails out and shared my work or life on my business social media account. There are parts of me that have enjoyed and really appreciated stepping back from sharing in the online space and offering my work and there are parts of me that are tired of studying, training, doing my own inner and outer work and learning and not sharing this with clients.
And it’s been a year for me personally. A real year lol. So I am going to use this blog to share some of what I’ve been moving through and why I stepped back from my business over a year ago.
If you’re interested in reading parts of my journey and if what I am offering, studying and sharing feels supportive to you then stick around. If not, please use your internal navigation to discern what is for you right now and what is not! I want to give you that invitation to opt out AND it’s important for me to say that as I step back into my business I have to do it in a way that is sustainable for me, my health and my family. And checking everyone else’s boxes or making myself and my work be a fit for everyone else is far from sustainable.
You may want to grab a cup of tea or make yourself comfortable as you read this. I am a writer, a teacher and a storyteller so what I share would likely never be described as quick, short or fast lol. It is my hope that as I reveal parts of myself and my journey to each of you that your internal world or system will begin or continue to reveal itself to you.
So… a little bit about why I had to and chose to step back from my business.
About two and a half years ago as I was working and running my business full time I noticed I was getting stuck in fight or flight (autonomic nervous system arousal) a lot. For week long periods I would feel constant nervous system activation, charge, unease internally and nervous system dysregulation. That happened a few times throughout 2021 and then in December of 2021 I felt stuck in fight or flight (hyperarousal) a lot.
I was growing and operating my business and I had a handful of ongoing stressors in my life that were a lot. All of the external stressors ended up triggering unresolved feelings and experiences from my past which put my nervous system into a state of high alert, hypervigilance and threat. All things combined it was just too much for my body and way, way too much for my nervous system. I was being stretched in too many areas without adequate rest, resourcing and support. Some of this was because of patterns that I was in that were not working and some of this stretching was external and beyond my control.
At the time, I recognized I needed to make some shifts in my work so I took a month off in January of 2022 and then worked part time until July of 2022. At that point, I was experiencing a lot of random and seemingly unexplainable physical symptoms. I explored it with doctors and they said nothing was wrong even though I knew otherwise. I tried all sorts of diet changes, lifestyle changes and supplements but I was not getting better. It was clear to me and my husband that I needed to stop working entirely to get healthier. I am good at and comfortable doing, but rest, slowing down and being, especially when one’s body is unwell, activated or dysregulated is a growth area for me. One that I am becoming really well at now lol.
At that time, when I made the choice to stop working, I had no idea what I was healing from other than burnout and stress and I wasn’t aware of the impact that the external and internal stress had had on my body. But I recognized a lot of physical, mental and emotional symptoms and this consistent underlying nervous system dysregulation that seemed steady even when I was completely safe. None of this made sense to the family doctor I saw at the time. On the surface and based on the tests they were willing to run, I should have felt fine and I just needed to keep on doing more of the self care I was already doing.
And let me be clear, self care and resourcing ourselves is extremely important and I do and was prioritizing it. But to recover from an extended period of chronic stress, complex ptsd, developmental trauma, etc. and the impact all of that has on one’s body, mind and nervous system takes time, intention, resources and specific (to each person) support. To truly heal I needed more than warm baths, time with friends, time in nature and breaks from my children even though all of those things were helpful at times and a part of my ‘prescription’.
Early to mid 2022, I was in a group that supported women who were healing from burnout. A doctor, who specializes in integrative and functional medicine, was a guest speaker in the group one month and she shared about the various symptoms related to adrenal fatigue. As soon as I heard her describe the various symptoms I knew that this was definitely part of what I was experiencing. What I didn’t fully get at that time was that my adrenal fatigue was caused by being in chronic or consistent states of fight or flight (hyperarousal in the nervous system). It’s been a real wake up call for me to see the impact in myself (and others) of what happens to our bodies, minds and emotions when we live in this space of hypervigilance, threat or constantly going (mentally or physically) with a consistent undercurrent of fear, agitation, anxiety, anger, terror, overwhelm or shut down.
If you are curious to learn more about how stress, lifestyle and trauma impacts our bodies, the book The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van der Kolk is a helpful resource. It is a heavier book, but really helpful in explaining the science behind trauma, the nervous system and how we begin the slow and steady journey of healing or recovery. Gabor Mate’s When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress is also helpful.
After months of seeking western and alternative medical support, I found an integrative and functional medicine doctor who specializes in women's hormonal health and the adrenals and a doctor who understands the impact of early childhood stress, adversity and trauma on our physical health! This lack of understanding in the medical world is infuriatingly uncommon because there is no question in the research that our childhood trauma, adversity and unmet needs have a significant impact on our health both short and long term
If you are interested in how your past, particularly your childhood trauma, affects your health you can watch or listen to this video by Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, a pediatrician on how childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime.
Okay back to my journey… In late 2022 I began to get support from the integrative and functional medicine doctor. In Saskatchewan, Canada we currently have 1 (ONE!!!) integrative and functional medicine doctor. Working with him has been my most positive medical experience around accessing support, AND it also hasn’t been complete. I still have to seek out additional support as I move forward in my recovery. The doctor was able to get me going on a treatment that would help me become more stable and he also named that I needed to get support with how my past and current stress was being held in and affected the health of my body. A doctor that can recognize this AND that my adrenal fatigue was caused by being in chronic states of fight or flight. Pretty amazing and in my opinion, should be a standard of care for ALL health care providers. It is a missing piece for sure when it comes to care providers in any and all fields, but particularly in medicine in my experience.
As I reflected on the doctor naming that my health issues were caused by being in chronic states of fight or flight, I considered the amount of time my nervous system has been in an activated and threatened state throughout my childhood and even when I was in utero. Fight, flight, high freeze, hypervigilance, doing, preparing for or scanning for threat, doing what I need to avoid potential threat, being on the defense, ensuring I get things right, do more, be more, seek more… These states have been my nervous system’s home away from home for a very, very long time. And not because I did anything wrong, but because my nervous system, mind and body ADAPTED to my surroundings in service of my survival.
Sadly though, “that which kept us alive, [now] keeps us from living.” Wise words from a previous teacher of mine, Linda Thai. The things we needed to do to get through carry on into our present even though many of us are no longer under the same amount of threat and even though many (not all) of us have voice, choice, access to support and agency that we did not have in our childhood.
The integrative and functional medicine doctor helped me make sense of how I ended up where I was and provided a treatment plan that would help me stabilize and begin the slow journey of recovery. I say stabilize specifically because I am not 100% cured or recovered. Working with him has given me a solid place to start as well as the validation from his education and training and the proper blood work and testing to confirm his and my concerns. Working with him has been incredibly validating and supportive and yet, like any practitioner, I still need to utilize and at times seek out additional support.
I have been exploring different types of therapy and bodywork and doing inner work (on my own and with support) to explore or change patterns in my lifestyle that no longer work for me. External changes have had to be made by me and others I am in close relationship with which has been great and really uncomfortable at times. There has had to be a significant amount of changes in my intimate relationships and in how we live as a family, in what we prioritize and what is no longer on the table in this season of life and in what is no longer on the table for me or us at all. And every time I think, we have made the changes and shifted what we need, we are required to shift even more. Lol. I laughed out loud thinking about what my husband would say if someone asked him how this has been for him and us and I would think it would sound something like this “The last few years have been challenging. We have had to change A LOT. The changes have been good and it’s also been really f*cking hard at times” which would be an accurate assessment lol.
There has been a lot of healing and power for me to look and take action around what I or others can control and change. What is within my ability to change, work on OR get support with AND what is beyond my capacity to control or change right now. Being able to discern this AND take action where you can is really important. And there has been a lot of UNCOMFORTABLE growth around me learning to be with the things I can’t or don’t actually want to change. I am getting really, really good at sitting in, being with and naming fear, vulnerability, painful discomfort and more. And I am mastering seeking support when needed and showing up to solidly repair after I blow it.
The other practice I’ve been really growing in is discerning what is no longer for me, what is not for me right now (EVEN IF OTHERS SWEAR BY IT) and what I truly need right now to be well. There are a million different recommendations out there around what we need to be well. And it’s truly a practice, that takes time and intention, to discern where am I at, what is my context, what is my capacity, and what are my/our goals and priorities. I am having to go SLOWER, sooooo slow at times as I and we rebuild a new, more solid foundation. This slowing down has been both rich and painfully annoying at times lol.
I want to leave you with a quote that I have been finding supportive in the season I am in.
“I beg you to have patience for everything unresolved in your heart. And to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a foreign language. Don’t search for the answers which couldn’t be given to you now because you would not be able to live them. The point is to LIVE EVERYTHING. Live the questions now because perhaps then someday, far in the future, you will gradually without even realizing it, live your way into the answer.”
~ Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young PoetTake good care and wishing you well.
LyndsayPS. If you resonated with what I shared and you are wanting support on your life, healing or recovering journey CLICK HERE to learn about how you can work with me or email me at thelyndsaymacpherson@gmail.com