Hysterical Doesn’t Always Mean Historical
One of the ‘gifts’ I received from my childhood was that parts of me learned to use food as a way to comfort, soothe and dissociate when my emotional needs were not being met, when things inside or outside of me were too much and to help me handle nervous system activation or dysregulation. Because of my history with food and my body and the addictive parts others had in my family, I spent a lot of time in and around the 12 step recovery world in my twenties.
Anyways, 12 step meetings were not the place one dreams about spending their twenties in, but there I was. Side note: I no longer attend 12 step recovery. I needed more and different support than what was offered AND at the time aspects of the program and community were supportive. I first heard this phrase in 12 step recovery among members (not in the literature that I recall) and then later in the healing/self-help world I came across the same phrase. If it is hysterical, it is historical…
If it is hysterical, it is historical.
I am sure you have heard it. Maybe you’ve even said it! Either way, I invite you to explore ideas like this one and see how they actually land for ALL parts of you.
Are phrases like this one supportive?
Is it helpful?
Is it true for all parts of you and all of your experiences?
Is there more inside of you or inside of others that this phrase shuts down that might be helpful for you to know, explore and acknowledge?
Whenever I would hear this phrase and even as I type it right now, I notice a heaviness and shame that washes over me. I never really understood my reaction to this phrase until a previous therapist brought this idea up in response to a situation I was struggling with that, at the time, was really challenging. Another time it became really clear that I don’t find this phrase or ones like it helpful was when my husband and I were having an argument that we repeated A LOT. After I expressed whatever it was that I was hurt, angry or upset about, he said something to me like I’ll never win with you. You will never trust me. You are seeing me from or in the past. How can we move forward like this?
Both my therapist and my husband’s responses were really interesting and carried this idea or belief that NOW IS NOT A PROBLEM. Both of their responses discount the impact that the now is having on me and my parts! This sounds or is hysterical and so it must be historical…
The challenge with both of their (conscious or subconscious) assumptions is that it has them operating from a space of assuming the problem is within me only and it is entirely rooted in the past. In both cases the assumption was false. And I get it. Doing a U-turn, exploring what the external is bringing up internally, and increasing self-awareness are really helpful and necessary (IMO) skills to develop. AND I and many others actually have a lot of self-insight and awareness around the ways their past and the present is affecting them or others.
JUST GET CURIOUS WITH YOURSELF AND OTHERS AND ASK.
Assuming it is the past may actually not be helpful to your relationship, to your parts or to the person you are communicating with. And it also may be completely wrong. Either way, the assumption shuts down curiosity, understanding and inquiry in you and in others. It may also trigger a rupture in the relationship or a shame response in the individual.
Sometimes challenging situations or triggers are entirely rooted in the past and have little or nothing to do with the present, sometimes things are a mix of past and present and sometimes people are hysterical, upset, angry and enraged because of what is happening in the present.
Don’t assume with yourself or others.
Sometimes we need to tend to the past and how it is impacting our present.
Sometimes we need to get support with both our past and what is happening in the present.
And sometimes parts of us get extremely upset, threatened and even hysterical because they are having an appropriate reaction to what is happening in the present.
Gentle reminder… Don’t assume with yourself or others. Ask, inquire, get curious. And reach out to me if you need support with this!
When this went down with my therapist I initially noticed shame and I shared in the moment that her response brought up shame in me. Lots of clients would not share this and would go on not fully trusting the therapist or they may end the relationship abruptly. The therapist and I stayed with that emotion and then this confidence and clarity came forward and I was able to DISCERN and speak to what aspects of the situation were triggering my stuff from the past AND that there was something happening in the now that was not working for me. This was a situation of my wounding being triggered AND a situation IN THE PRESENT that was important for me to address.
In the situation with my husband when I had parts of me that were really activated, it was actually about what was happening in the present. There were patterns that had not been addressed that had been happening for quite some time in our home AND these patterns were still happening in the now. Parts of me could discern that yes this is problem from the past because it happened in the past AND it is still happening which makes it a present issue that, in our case, needed addressing.
So I had parts that were edgy, angry, up, on guard and not fully trusting WHICH MAKES COMPLETE SENSE when I took the time to get curious and really listen, understand and support my parts. If I said to myself or my parts that were upset this sounds pretty hysterical so it must be historical it would have broken trust in my own system and added way more fuel to the fire for the parts of me that were justifiably upset with this repeating pattern that was very much in the present.
This is the gift of exploring difficult patterns (in yourself, others or your relationships). You can get really CLEAR AND CONFIDENT on what is coming up for you.
Earlier on in my relationship, I had parts that carried beliefs like I am the problem. It’s me. What can I do or how can I work harder, heal or do more so this pattern stops? And earlier on in therapeutic or coaching relationships I would give the therapist, coach or practitioner ALL THE POWER. My operating assumption was that they knew better than me. I no longer carry that belief so there is more space for me to notice what is coming up internally and speak up if need be.
I now have access to so much more confidence to speak up to therapists or coaches AND I now have the confidence in my relationship to first explore and then name it’s a me thing, it’s a we thing (both of us have stuff around it) or it’s a you (my partner) thing. Parts of me no longer believe that I am the problem or responsible for the impact of others action or inaction!
I now have so much more confidence and clarity to say yes, this is bringing something up from the past AND I still have to be with and tend to the piece of it that is not working or that is coming up in the present. This IS NOT just about my past. And just because my past is being triggered doesn’t mean that my thoughts, feelings and concerns about the present are not valid, relevant or something to honour, support and get curious about. Just because my past is being triggered does not mean that I shouldn’t explore and take action around the piece that is in the present.
I can hold, be with, get support with and take action around both. I also feel more confident to name and get support when I can recognize that a pattern is a me thing that is deeply rooted in my past. Others don’t get to decide that just because you or parts of you are activated or hysterical that the issue is solely rooted in history. It may be, it may not be or it may be a mix!
Self-Compassion and Curiosity When Our Past is Triggered
There is no shame in our wounds from the past being triggered either even and especially if it’s taking you out in the now. This happens and can be tended to, supported and healed. Recently, I noticed a pattern that happens when I go to speak up in class and supervision. Quite often as I am speaking or thinking about speaking, I nearly get taken out by nervous system dysregulation, fear, panic and anxiety. For whatever reason, parts of me want to speak up, share, ask questions, offer insight and other parts of me are getting very triggered!
The spaces this is happening in are loving, therapeutic, and supportive. From what I can tell there is nothing that is happening in the present in these spaces that makes my response make sense. But it is becoming more clear that the present is bringing up or reminding parts of me of something from my past and these parts need curiosity, care and support.
Is this all making sense? Reach out to me at thelyndsaymacpherson@gmail.com with questions or thoughts if that is supportive to you.
The other piece that I think is something to ponder on is that if we assume that anything hysterical is historical (in ourselves or another) then we may be ignoring, denying, or bypassing something in the present that needs our intention, curiosity, support and possibly action. Something to consider!
So to wrap it up. Hysterical doesn’t always mean historical.
When we encounter difficult or triggering situations
We may have past wounds/pain/patterns/beliefs that are triggered. This can happen but it isn’t always the case. If you aren’t sure, just ask (yourself or another)
We may have past stuff that is triggered ALONG with present stuff that also needs our present, time and support. It can be both past and present being triggered!
It may be just the present and have nothing to do with the past.
Stay curious. Stay open. And just ask yourself or another if you are not sure.
Are you struggling with challenging or triggering patterns or relationships?
Are you struggling to discern if the challenge is present, past, you, or someone else?
Would you like to explore a repeating challenge or trigger so you can have more confidence, clarity AND choice about how you take care of yourself and move forward?
Would you like support in getting to know what is underneath what you are doing, not doing or unable to do?
I’d love to help you get to know the different layers and aspects of yourself around a situation so you too can feel more resourced, clarity and confidence however YOU DECIDE to move forward.
CLICK HERE to schedule a free Connection Call with me so we can explore what is coming up for you and if working together is a good fit!
Warmly,
Lyndsay MacPherson
Lyndsay MacPherson is a certified coach through the International Association of Trauma Recovery Coaches that supports and collaborates with clients so they can live the life they want and deserve to live. Lyndsay uses mind-body, Internal Family Systems (parts work), developmental and complex trauma and somatic approaches to help clients with the repeating pattern, struggles and the things that are getting in the way of the life they want to live and how they want to feel.